Monday, December 15, 2008

Who’s Been Lying about Sex?

"To say that authority, whether secular or religious, supplies no ground for morality is not to deny the obvious fact that it supplies a sanction." —Joseph Addison
95% of Americans Engage in Premarital Sex

There are religionists who would lead you to believe that in "their day" people lived far more virtuous lives than you or I. Is it true that during the Ozzie and Harriett era that the power of the sex drive was less powerful?

Apparently not.

According to the study, published in the January/February 2007 issue of Public Health Reports, 95% of Americans have had sex before marriage and 74% have lost their virginity before age 20. Even among those who abstain from sex until age 20 or older, 81% eventually have premarital sex. Further, contrary to public perception that premarital sex is much more common now than in the past, the study shows that even among women who were born in the 1940s, nearly nine in 10 had sex before marriage. I'm beginning to wonder if religionists protest too loudly about their purity, pointing judgmental fingers away from themselves and towards the immorality of others.

If those who promote abstinence were truthful about their pre-marriage sex lives, would that change how they teach sexual purity? For years, I thought those who preached purity, also practiced it. I felt guilty when I didn't live up to every puritanical standard I thought they lived.

When religionists preach purity, why aren't they honest about what they didn't practice? I admit I was shocked when I discovered that John Hagee, who was born April 12, 1940, divorced his first wife to marry a younger woman with whom he committed adultery. I don't ever recall him warning others about boundaries, pain, regrets, and consequences. Instead he preached, "Christians don't steal or lie, they don't get divorced or have abortions." And what about his life makes me believe him?

What bothers me most is not the religionists' loss of virginity or infidelity but their self-righteous efforts to bury those embarrassing facts.

Why the deception?

Their obvious shame mocks the freedom and forgiveness for sins that Christ suffered on the cross. What prevents them from embracing what they preach?

The Bible urges us to confess our sins one to another. Confession is happy business, but may thwart donor dollars from flowing into 'ministry' treasuries. As Shirley Chisholm observed, "When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." Donor dollars trump Christ's sacrifice.

And what hope, grace and freedom does hypocrisy offer people suffering from the consequences of their choices? They long to know that the repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation that God offers is genuine and available to them.

In Oscar Wilde's story, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Lord Harry Henry says to Dorian, "what does it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose''—how does the quotation run? 'his own soul'?"

Dorian stared at his friend, "Why do you ask me that, Harry?"

"My dear fellow," said Lord Henry, elevating his eyebrows in surprise, "I asked you because I thought you might be able to give me an answer."

"Don't Harry. The soul is a terrible reality. It can be bought, and sold, and bartered away. It can be poisoned, or made perfect. There is a soul in each one of us. I know it."

"Do you feel quite sure of that, Dorian?"

"Quite sure."

"Ah! Then it must be an illusion. The things one feels absolutely certain about are never true. That is the fatality of Faith, and the lesson of Romance. How grave you are! Don't be so serious. What have you or I to do with the superstitions of our age? No: we have given up our belief in the soul."

Religionists Who Give Up Their Belief in the Soul

What kind of soul denies and lies about their sexual history, modeling an illusion of purity? Why the desperate attempt to disconnect your theology from your actions and the power of God's forgiveness for your wrong attitudes, motives and choices?

Shame in it's purist state? Denial that by the grace of God—there go I.

I was also surprised to learn that Pat Robertson's wife was pregnant before they married. But my stomach turned when the Wall Street Journal reported this ironic example of self-righteousness:

"Very shortly after he [Pat Robertson born March 22, 1930] announced that he would be seeking the presidency in 1988, the Wall Street Journal reported that he had been lying for many years about the date of his wedding in order to hide the fact that his wife was very pregnant during the ceremony. And he was still lying about it to the press as late as 1987. It might not have mattered much had he been honest about it earlier, but the fact that he was deliberately courting the votes of a moralistic and self-righteous crowd prevented honesty in such matters. It's his own fault, really—snake handlers get bitten from time to time, and have no one to blame but their selves."

"His reaction to all of this was quite illuminating. He told reporters in Philadelphia that: It is outrageous to pry into a man's past and try to do damage to a man's wife and children under the guise of journalism. The obvious question raised by this is: why didn't he come to the defense of President Clinton when he was savaged by the media for reports of sexual impropriety? Unless, of course, Pat Robertson believes in double standards."

Every one sins—everyone. Sin damages people—not repentance. Repentance means "to think differently," which frees us from keeping secrets. Confession of sin is a step towards healing. "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us." 1 John 1:8-10 (NASB).

People dishonest about their sexual histories lack sexual integrity, and even more so, when their rhetoric is motivated to force others to practice abstinence. Their dishonesty denies God's grace and restorative power. The key to sexual purity is more about being honest about our sexual struggles, the effect of sex and sin upon the soul, why our heavenly Father knows best, letting others learn from our self-indulgent choices, and then giving individuals freedom to desire to lead morally pure lives.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Before You Go to Sleep Tonight

"The sexual revolution is over and the microbes won."— PJ O'Rourke

  • 153 Americans will contract HIV.
  • 16,986 will be infected with HPV.
  • Almost 2500 will become pregnant out of wedlock.
  • 3315 abortions will take place.
  • Nearly 8500 individuals will contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

These aren't just numbers.

They are real, live, breathing individuals that made an error in judgment or hooked up with, "What's his name?" Today, they faced the consequences of one or many unwise life decisions.

Many may not sleep well tonight. Tomorrow, they face life-altering complications.

Dr. Drew Pinsky spoke to a college crowd regarding their sexual health. Of the 700 in attendance, he said 50% have HPV. Yikes! That's 350 STI carriers sitting in that lecture hall.

Eighty percent of people with STI's do not know they are infected. Those infected with an STI often lie to their partners. Statistics regarding sexually transmitted infections are terrifying, yet most people continue making cavalier decisions regarding their futures.

Then and Now

Consider the increase in STI's over the years.

  • 1967: 1 in 32
  • 1983: 1 in 18
  • Today? 1 in 4

Headlines warn—

  • STD Rates Double for Older Adults
  • Second sexual revolution creating STD crisis in Canada, doctor warns.
  • The Teenage Girl STD Crisis
  • Drink, drugs fuel UK STD crisis

In 1967, there were only five STI's to worry about. Now there are 50. Many highly contagious and incurable. The biggest fear in 1967? Getting pregnant outside of marriage. Today, a teenager is four times more likely to acquire an STD than to become pregnant. Say you remain a virgin until marriage. If your spouse was sexually active, you are still at risk for an STI.

Are You a Ticking Time Bomb?

Have you flown lately? Would you accept a package from a stranger to carry through security? Not likely. You are smarter than that.

Are you just as smart with your sexual health? Why accept sexual packages ticking with STI time bombs from a stranger or someone who has not passed the security check of STI testing?




If you are sexually active, how are you protecting yourself and others?

Tomorrow…tick...tick...tick...every hour...

  • 6 Americans will contract HIV—that's a new infection approximately every ten minutes.
  • 707 Americans will be infected with HPV (6.2 million annually)—that's 11 new infections every minute.
  • 96 become will become pregnant out of wedlock.
  • 138 women will experience an induced abortion (1.21 million annually).
  • Nearly 350 will contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI).




What choices will you make to protect your sexual health?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Testosterone: Sexual Jet Fuel

“So, if anatomy is destiny then testosterone is doom.”—Al Goldstein

Why do men’s sexual jet engines stay revved up and ready for take off? Adult males produce ten to one hundred times more testosterone than women do. Like an eight-lane runway, the male brain unzips along at the speed of sex.

Testosterone is nature’s aphrodisiac. Both men and women with high levels of testosterone engage in more sex.

Effects of Testosterone on Women

Middle-aged women with a low libido take testosterone to increase sexual desire.

Many women experience more sexual desire when testosterone levels are higher around ovulation.

Estrogen-deprived, menopausal women feel testosterone’s effect, desiring more sex.

Effects of Testosterone on Men
Single men have higher levels of testosterone than married men do.

Soldiers with high-testosterone are more likely to—

  • get in trouble with the law
  • use drugs and alcohol
  • have 10 or more sex partners in a year.

Athletes who inject testosterone have more—

  • sexual thoughts
  • morning erections
  • sexual encounters
  • orgasms.

Men with high levels of testosterone—

  • marry less frequently
  • have more adulterous affairs
  • commit more spousal abuse
  • divorce more often.

Testosterone ignites sexual desire in the brain and the genitals—for both men and women. The more testosterone one has, the more wild oats one feels compelled to sow.

Engine Performance

Test pilots take risks by flying higher and faster. To sexually soar at top speed, fast guys on turbo-charged testosterone push the throttle forward. And if there is an unexpected crash landing, what then? What are the advantages of a co-pilot who dares, “You might want to pull the throttle back.”?

What word of caution did I give my sons? “Keep it in the hanger, boys.”

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Double Standards?

“An oxymoron is a figure of speech that stands for a self-contradictory expression like a chaste whore or an honest politician?”—
Evan Esar

Men Want More Sexual Partners Than Women
Men like to have higher numbers of sexual partners than women do. Research by psychologist Dr. David Buss showed that the average number of sexual partners women would like to have in their lifetime is 4.5. Men would like eighteen.

A behavioral study by Clark and Hatfield confirmed this difference. Male and female researchers asked college students three questions:

1. Would you go on a date with me? 50% of the men and women agreed.
2. Would you come back to my place with me? 69% of men and 6% of women agreed.
3. Would you have sex with me? 75% of men agreed. 0% of women agreed.

The Oxymoronic Pendulum
The pendulum swings between pro-sex-as-liberation to anti-sex-as-danger. Women have swung from feeling shamed by religionists for feeling desire and even worse when caught. Now the dishonesty of political correctness shames women when we admit, “I want love and commitment.”

Cultural pressure screams, “Just do it!” Women finally gained sexual equality. How does that same culture react when women make the same sexual choices as men? Just compare the labels that judge sexually active females and males.


The Fall Guy
Maybe sexual liberation is not the fall guy. We fall to guys because we desire to be liked, accepted, loved, and cherished. There is no double standard when women courageously resist the oxymoronic sexual rituals of culture, men, friends, or peer pressure.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Is Casual Sex Bittersweet?

"It would not be better for mankind if they were given their desires.” — Heraclitus
Oxymoron means self-contradictory or absurd. It is an incongruous term that makes a statement. In ancient Greece, oxus meant "sharp; pointed" and moros meant "dull; stupid; foolish."

Is sexual frustration more disagreeable than casual intimacy? Is there an absolute possibility that casual sex is bittersweet? Safe sex can leave a woman a little pregnant. Hooking up may leave you feeling alone together.

Is Free Love Too Expensive?
The profound metaphor in Oscar Wilde’s famous book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, reveals hideous consequences. The handsome young man named Dorian Gray becomes obsessed with maintaining his youthful appearance. He gambles away his soul. His wish is granted: His portrait ages, taking on the consequences of his sensual lifestyle—while he remains youthful.

Some claim that using sex in the search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. When Dorian Gray dies, his picture reverts to its original youthful appearance. His dead body reveals the ugliness of his sensual quests.

Oxymoronic Sexual Practices
Barna surveys report that four out of ten of every born again adult does not rely upon the Bible as a primary source for moral guidance. His surveys reveal:

* Most people do not believe there is any source of absolute moral truth.

* Christians are off the mark regarding sexual fidelity.

* Christians condone traditionally forbidden sexual behaviors.

* Each year what is morally acceptable declines. Morally acceptable behavior includes cohabitation (60%), adultery (42%), sexual fantasies (59%), and pornography (38%).

Would a single, sexually pure Jesus consider an immoral Christian a contradiction in terms and faith?

Belief in Truth
G. K. Chesterton observed, "Free verse is like free love; it is a contradiction in terms." Sexual purity reveals the brush strokes of a spiritual inner portrait, letting others see inner strength and beauty.

Fascinated by the paradoxes of everyday life, Friedrich Nietzsche observed, “Belief in truth begins with doubting all that has hitherto been believed to be true.”

Think about the oxymorons below. Why are true love counterfeits easier to trust than sincere truth? What false truths do you believe and act upon?

Casual intimacy
Absolute possibility
Casual sex
Safe sex
A little pregnant
Hooking up
Alone together
Immoral Christian
Free love
True love counterfeits
False truths

Friday, May 16, 2008

Oral Sex: Social Transition or Social Norm?

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”—Stephen R. Covey
Study: Half of All Teens Have Had Oral Sex
Author of Unhooked, Laura Sessions Stepp reported in the Washington Post, "Slightly more than half of American teenagers ages 15 to 19 have engaged in oral sex, with females and males reporting similar levels of experience, according to the most comprehensive national survey of sexual behaviors ever released by the federal government."

Based on in-person interviews, surveys available at The National Center for Health Statistics also reveal:

* The percentage of those engaging in oral sex increases with age to about 70 percent of all 18- and 19-year-olds.

* One in four virgin teens has engaged in oral sex.

* Among adult males 25-44 years of age, 97 percent have had vaginal intercourse, 90 percent have had oral sex with a female. Among women, the proportions who have had sexual contact with an opposite-sex partner were similar.

Is Oral Sex Safer Sex?
When weighing the pros and cons of intercourse versus oral sex, it’s obvious that oral sex cannot impregnate a woman.

Propelled into solo parenthood by an unfaithful husband, I faced many surprises. One was the numbers of adult singles engaging in risky sex. Many believed that oral sex was safer than intercourse. I do not recall anyone regaling the joys of oral sex ever mentioning this fact: Oral sex spreads STDs, including gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes and the human papillomavirus, which has been linked to cervical cancer. They seemed more preoccupied with comparing size—width and length.

One friend felt chemistry with a new male acquaintance, when her fiancĂ© was out of town. To remain “faithful” to their commitment, she performed oral sex instead of engaging in sexual intercourse. Morally, she considered oral sex acceptable, because it’s not “real” sex (a.k.a. “The Monica” and Bill Clinton’s definition).

Asking Questions
Is the "real" question really “What is safe sex?” Are we asking ourselves questions that turn our ears to wisdom? Are we applying our hearts to understanding?

Why am I more preoccupied with having fun and meeting my sexual desires rather than anticipating the consequences?

Is it important for me to remain faithful to my body, my heart and myself?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Women Less Attractive to Men After Sex

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.”—Anonymous

Once upon a time there was a cow, a pig and a hen living on a farm by a busy highway.

The cow said, “Let’s start a drive-thru restaurant called “Coffee and Free Cream to Go.”

“That’s a great idea,” said the hen. “ We’ll only work mornings. Let’s offer a cheap “Ham ‘n Eggs’ breakfast special, too.”

“Sounds interesting," the pig said. "Let me think about it.”

The cow and the hen tried to persuade the pig to chip in, “It’ll be fun. We’ll be equal partners and share the profits. It’s win-win for everybody.”

The pig said,“That’s not the way I see it. Your contributions—the milk and the eggs—are free. They don’t cost you anything. I’m the only one that has to make a commitment.”

Fast Food Leftovers

A 2001 survey of 200 daters, conducted by psychologist Martie Haselton and Dr. David Buss, revealed conclusively that men found their partners less attractive and sexy after first-time sex than they did before. And the more partners a man had had, the more likely he was to think his lover was unattractive in the morning. In contrast, women always found their partners more sexy, regardless of their number of previous partners.

Dairy-free Living

Based upon these statistics, why would women seeking love, commitment and marriage ignore Granny's advice, "Why buy the cow (pig) when you can get the milk (ham) for free?"